Wtf?!....

Still 176.6!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Double fuck!!

I Fucked up.....

Again! Seriously what is the matter with me? I always fuck everything up I'm such a god damn failure!! After my last post I didn't eat anything on weds and I weighed myself Thursday morning and I was down from 178.8 to 176.6. So I didn't eat anything Thursday and did a bit of exercise and when I stepped on the scales Friday morning it read... 176.6. Wtf!! So I plateaued. I fucking hate that. It feels like I do all this work for nothing. Like nothing I do will ever be good enough so what's the point in carrying on! So I thought fuck it and I ate. Afterwards I calculated my calories and I was pretty much disgusted with myself :

1 Falafel wrap - 406
1 Feta and rocket sandwich - 467
1 pack of McCoy's flamed grilled crisps - 258
1 pack of Nic Naks - 171
2 packs of Wotsits - 208
3 Cadburys chocolate fingers - 90

Total - 1600

1600 fucking calories!! Like holy crap that's so fucking much!! I stepped on the scales this morning, fully expecting to have put on a couple pounds and I was... 176.6! I'm glad I didn't put anything on but seeing that fucking number again made me wanna scream!! So I decided fuck it I'm gonna fast until Christmas Eve. I break up from uni on friday and all my housemates are going home. I don't leave until the 23rd so I wont have anywhere to be or anyone to see. I can just stay in my bed and waste away!!

So today was day one of the fast that shall hence forth be known as The Christmas time fast. I'm gonna post each days calories, exercise and my general failures and successes.

Day 1

Food - 0 calories

Liquids -

Half a litre of water - 0 calories

Exercise - Zilch

Days total -

+ 0 calories
- 0 calories

I'm Sorry.....

That I haven't posted in a while, I'm sorry that I couldn't stop binging and was too ashamed to face you all and I'm sorry that I pretty much all around suck!

Its been a month since I posted. God what is the matter with me its not like I have some interesting life to distract me. My life pretty much consists of get up, go to uni, come home, hang out with my flatmates, have a shower and go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. It's just when I'm doing shit or failing I'm too ashamed to blog. Which is crap. There's no point just showing the successes and not the failures. It makes my efforts look one sided and trust me my life is nothing like that.

In my last post I was in the middle of a fast, here's how that played out. I lasted the 14 days - I think my weight was around 180-181 . Then the next day I went to break my fast and yep you guessed it I binged. I binged like there was no tomorrow - Mcdonalds, crisps, crackers and all other manner of redundant stuff. For the next three weeks I pretty much got into a cycle of binge & fast, binge & fast. My weight bounced between 180 and 187 for ages. It was depressing and not entirely surprising. I'm an all or nothing girl. Either I don't eat food for ages or I can't stop stuffing it down my throat. There's no middle ground with me, no balance. I'm like a scale where if you put too much in one side it tips too far to the left but if you put too much in the other side it tips too far to the right and your always trying to find that balance. Take a little out of one side and put a little more in the other. But I always over do it. Hence why my weight fluctuates so much.

Last Friday I decided to fast and stick with it. I think my weight was 186.6. So I haven't eaten anything since then. This is day six. My weight this morning was 178.8. After day three I always find fasting pretty easy, it's just those first two or three day where I feel the urge to binge. Sometimes I give in to it, sometimes I don't. This time I didn't. I plan to fast until Sunday then break my fast on Monday. This time with healthy foods. Or so I hope!