Epic Failure...

Seriously. What is wrong with me? Why do I have so little self control? Why can't I just not eat? It pisses me off. I'm such a failure. I seriously cannot wait until I move into halls and no longer have a) Shit junk food in the house and b) People watching and questioning how much I eat.

So this is pretty much how my night turned out. I went to work as planned and didn't drink or eat anything my whole shift. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself thinking I was gonna head home and go to sleep, meaning my days calorie intake would have been 0. But did I do this? Did I fuck.

Fit work friend was like "J's having a party wanna come?" And I'm all like "No, It's ok I'm pretty tired, I'm just gonna go home." And hes like "Come on we haven't hung out in ages" and to cut a long story short I caved and ended up going. But I told myself I would just stay for a little bit and then leave. But did I do this? Did I fuck.

I ended up getting completely hammered and drinking way too fucking much. My nights alcohol intake looked something like this:

6 Shots
Half a bottle of white wine
2 Rum and cokes
3 Malibu's
Apple sourz
And some Jagermeister.

So I finally rolled home at like 3am but I was so wasted I couldn't get my keys in the door and I had to ring the doorbell. My foster mum was pretty pissed but I was too drunk to care. And when I'm drunk there's only one thing I wanna do - eat! I ended up eating a pepper and cheese quesadilla, 2 pieces of peanut butter on toast, 4 biscuits and a packet of crisps. I seriously don't know what possessed me to do it. I kept thinking I've fucked it up already with all the alcohol I might as well just give in. So I did and it was awful. I felt like complete shit afterward and pretty much just went to my room and passed out.

I didn't wake up today until 2:30pm and I was so hungover it wasn't even funny. My foster mum kept trying to make me eat. I was using the I'm too hungover for food excuse. But she was like "Food will make you feel better. You can't just not eat." I felt like screaming at her "Yes, I fucking can!!!" But being the eternal people pleaser that I am I once again caved. I ended up eating spinach and feta cannelloni and a fucking mars bar!

So now I feel all fat and disgusting thinking that the start of my fast has been a complete failure, which it has. God if I could have done it all over again I would have just gone straight home and skipped the party, but I can't so I guess I'm just gonna have to live with that. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully one that will be better than yesterday and today.

1 comment:

Post a Comment