Wtf?!....

Still 176.6!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Double fuck!!

I Fucked up.....

Again! Seriously what is the matter with me? I always fuck everything up I'm such a god damn failure!! After my last post I didn't eat anything on weds and I weighed myself Thursday morning and I was down from 178.8 to 176.6. So I didn't eat anything Thursday and did a bit of exercise and when I stepped on the scales Friday morning it read... 176.6. Wtf!! So I plateaued. I fucking hate that. It feels like I do all this work for nothing. Like nothing I do will ever be good enough so what's the point in carrying on! So I thought fuck it and I ate. Afterwards I calculated my calories and I was pretty much disgusted with myself :

1 Falafel wrap - 406
1 Feta and rocket sandwich - 467
1 pack of McCoy's flamed grilled crisps - 258
1 pack of Nic Naks - 171
2 packs of Wotsits - 208
3 Cadburys chocolate fingers - 90

Total - 1600

1600 fucking calories!! Like holy crap that's so fucking much!! I stepped on the scales this morning, fully expecting to have put on a couple pounds and I was... 176.6! I'm glad I didn't put anything on but seeing that fucking number again made me wanna scream!! So I decided fuck it I'm gonna fast until Christmas Eve. I break up from uni on friday and all my housemates are going home. I don't leave until the 23rd so I wont have anywhere to be or anyone to see. I can just stay in my bed and waste away!!

So today was day one of the fast that shall hence forth be known as The Christmas time fast. I'm gonna post each days calories, exercise and my general failures and successes.

Day 1

Food - 0 calories

Liquids -

Half a litre of water - 0 calories

Exercise - Zilch

Days total -

+ 0 calories
- 0 calories

I'm Sorry.....

That I haven't posted in a while, I'm sorry that I couldn't stop binging and was too ashamed to face you all and I'm sorry that I pretty much all around suck!

Its been a month since I posted. God what is the matter with me its not like I have some interesting life to distract me. My life pretty much consists of get up, go to uni, come home, hang out with my flatmates, have a shower and go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. It's just when I'm doing shit or failing I'm too ashamed to blog. Which is crap. There's no point just showing the successes and not the failures. It makes my efforts look one sided and trust me my life is nothing like that.

In my last post I was in the middle of a fast, here's how that played out. I lasted the 14 days - I think my weight was around 180-181 . Then the next day I went to break my fast and yep you guessed it I binged. I binged like there was no tomorrow - Mcdonalds, crisps, crackers and all other manner of redundant stuff. For the next three weeks I pretty much got into a cycle of binge & fast, binge & fast. My weight bounced between 180 and 187 for ages. It was depressing and not entirely surprising. I'm an all or nothing girl. Either I don't eat food for ages or I can't stop stuffing it down my throat. There's no middle ground with me, no balance. I'm like a scale where if you put too much in one side it tips too far to the left but if you put too much in the other side it tips too far to the right and your always trying to find that balance. Take a little out of one side and put a little more in the other. But I always over do it. Hence why my weight fluctuates so much.

Last Friday I decided to fast and stick with it. I think my weight was 186.6. So I haven't eaten anything since then. This is day six. My weight this morning was 178.8. After day three I always find fasting pretty easy, it's just those first two or three day where I feel the urge to binge. Sometimes I give in to it, sometimes I don't. This time I didn't. I plan to fast until Sunday then break my fast on Monday. This time with healthy foods. Or so I hope!

Seven Days And A Plateau........

Its midnight and I just got back from a Halloween party. I went as a devil. A fat, red devil. I looked awful. All the other girls were in skimpy costumes and I just looked like a big, fat round tomato!! There was so much alcohol and food there it was unbelievable. I stuck to water for the night and every time the sweets were passed around I took some and put them in my pocket. I don't think anyone noticed. At least, I hope they didn't. I told everyone I felt sick and I left early. They all thought it was because I ate too many sweets. Ha! If only they knew the truth. That I felt sick because I hadn't let any food pass my lips in eight days (Today was my eighth day of fasting)

I can't actually believe I've managed to abstain from food for 8 whole days. I can remember the first time I ever tried to fast, I barely lasted half a day! When I made it past the week mark I was pretty pleased with myself. I'd kinda like to last for a whole 30 days but I don't know if I will. At the moment I'm just thinking about making it to the 14 day mark, then I'll see if I can make it another 2 weeks. It should be pretty easy to make it to 14 days. I'll stay in tomorrow and I haven't got any food in the house so I won't be able to eat. Monday I've got uni all day and 0 money, so I wont be able to buy anything. Tuesday and Wednesday I've got off. I usually go down town with some friends on my day off so the temptation to eat will be greater but hopefully I'll be able to pull it off. Thursday I've got lectures all day so again it should be easy to not eat. Friday I've got off but It'll be day 14 and I doubt I'll feel the need to eat when I'm so close to my goal.

Thursday and Friday I hit a plateau. Every time I weighed myself I was 193.2lbs Which was just shit! But I weighed myself this morning and I'm 190.6. Hopefully when I weigh myself tomorrow I'll be in the 180's. So I lost 14.4lbs last week. Hopefully this week I can lose the same.

Breakthrough......

Just a quick post before I got to sleep. Day five of the fast has gone well, I've broken my personal best and I'm down to 195lbs. I've got lectures all day tomorrow until 6 so avoiding food should be easy. I haven't eaten anything today which is good but I feel like I want to throw up every 5 seconds. No headaches or dizziness yet but the nausea is pretty bad. I feel like If I throw up I'll feel better but there's nothing in my stomach so it'd be pretty pointless. I don't know do empty stomachs make you feel nauseous? Maybe I'm not drinking enough? I wish I could just not eat but still feel normal. I'm going to say something I've said before - It sucks we need food to survive!!!! Oh well I guess thats the price you pay for being thin.

Hello....... xD

One month. That's how long its been since I posted. It feels like so much longer. I can't tell you how much I've missed posting here and reading all your blogs. It took me ages to get the internet set up which is why I haven't posted in a while, but I have it in my room now so no more trekking all the way down to the computer pools.

So I've been at uni for a month and its been pretty mixed. My course is awesome as are my flatmates. I live with seven other people, 4 girls and 3 boys. All the girls are skinny which is just typical. One of them is super skinny but she never stops eating. I don't know how she does it. She eats so much crap but she never puts on a pound. I feel like I should hate her but I cant because she's really nice.

I just wish my eating habits were going as well. The first two nights I was here (a weekend) I got hammered both nights and ended up eating tons of crap. Then for the next week I fasted most days and on the days I did eat all I ate was a couple bowls of branflakes. I dropped 14 pounds that first week and I was down to 195lbs.

14 pounds in one week 'she must have dropped tons more by now' I hear you say. I wish. For the next three weeks all I did was get drunk all the time and binge. It was like I got caught up in the newness of uni, of the new places and the new people and I just completely forgot about fasting and ana and all the things I had promised myself.

Saturday morning was the first time I weighed myself in ages. I was back up to 205. I felt like shit, I couldn't believe I had let myself put on 10lbs. 10 fucking lbs!!! It gave me the wake up call I needed and I didn't eat anything on saturday, sunday or monday. I weighed myself this morning and I'm back down to 196.6lbs.

I haven't eaten anything today and hopefully I wont eat anything tomorrow which means I would have broken my personal best of 4 and a half days (Tomorrow will be my fifth day of fasting) So far I've been feeling pretty good no headaches or dizziness just a little bit of nausea. I just really hope I can keep this up. I feel so much better and in control when my stomach is empty. People always say they can't deal with hunger and feeling sick and empty, but I love that feeling. It makes me feel in control.

Epic failure once again....

So today had been complete and utter shit. Suffice to say I fucked up and broke my fast. God I only lasted 3 and a half days! How pathetic is that. I can't go four days without having to stuff food in my mouth. Urghhhh I'm so annoyed with myself. I was doing so good but I had to fuck it up. I wasn't even hungry for christ sake. Why oh why did I have to eat!!!!!! The only good thing I can see that has come from this is that my family saw me eat so they wont bother me if I don't eat for the next two days. After that I'm moving into halls, which means no bingeable food in the house or for that matter any food in the house, so it should be easy to fast!

So this is how my day went. I woke up pretty early and went down town and picked up some bits and pieces I had put on order. I went to lunch with a friend and managed to only order an ice water. All was going good. I came home and started some of my packing. At about 3 I wandered into the kitchen. God, why did I do that? Nothing good can come from the kitchen. So I opened the fridge and that fucking fudge cake was staring at me. I dont know what possessed me to do it but I took the plate out of the fridge and got a fork. A voice inside my head was telling me 'Don't do it. You'll regret it as soon as you do. You always do." I knew it was right but I couldn't stop myself. I practically inhaled that piece of cake. Then magpie like I delved back into the fridge looking for more to eat. I came out with a twix. Ate that in about four bites. It was like my hands had a mind of their own, almost as if they had been temporarily disconnected from my brain. After that I searched for more. I wasn't even hungry anymore but I still didn't stop. I ripped open a packet of quorn fajita strips and ate them cold. I barely stopped to chew, just shoving them in my mouth one after the other. After that my stomach felt like it was about to explode and I couldn't eat anymore. I shoved the incriminating packets and wrappers into the bin and went to my room, disgusted with myself.

At dinner time I ate spinach and ricotta cannelloni. I thought I've already fucked it up today, I might as well eat dinner and stop people asking me why I wasn't eating. Afterwords I went online to calculate my calories for the day.

Piece of chocolate fudge cake - 142
Twix -284
Quorn fajita strips - 138
Spinach and ricotta cannelloni - 516
Total - 1080

Fuck. I can't believe I ate so many calories in one day! Plus 284 calories in one twix. WTF!!!! That's put me off ever eating a chocolate bar again. I never knew they had that many calories. That's like a whole fucking meals worth!!

I don't really know how to end this post, so let me just say thank you to everyone who has commented so far. It's nice to know I'm not alone :)

Day three....

Day three of my fast and I have to say its gone pretty well. My total calories for the day is 0. Day three wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, a few stomach cramps but no headaches or dizziness. I think it's because I've been drinking more water than I usually do on a fast.

I spent the day pretty much just tidying my room and sorting out all my closet and draws and stuff. When I was sorting through my bags I found my ephedrine. There were only five pills left but it's so much easier to fast when I take them. I forgot I still had them to be honest, so it was a nice surprise. I also found my master cleanse book. I think I'm going to switch to that when I finish my fast. Which I will dammit!!

The longer I go without eating the more obsessed with food I become! Today I couldn't stop watching the cooking channel and whenever I craved food I looked at pictures of it online. It's like food is all I can think about! I wish I could just forget food exists, I hate that we need food to live. If I could just survive on air and water I would!

Day two...

So it's day two of my fast and my calorie intake for the day is 0. No food only water. I've been feeling quite nauseous today, like I want to throw up but obviously there's nothing in my stomach, so it's left me feeling a bit shit. No headaches or dizziness yet which is good, but I know for me day three is always the hardest. I get really bad hunger cravings and it's usually when the dizziness hits, so I'm not looking forward to that.

I was so tempted to eat a piece of chocolate fudge cake earlier. Whenever there's food in the house that I haven't had before or haven't had in a while, I always sort of feel like this will be the last time I'll be able to have it, like I'm missing out if I don't eat it. But today I kept telling myself that there would always be another piece of cake, another Oreo, another pizza or whatever and that I didn't need or want to eat it. I was able to resist which I was quite proud of because I really wanted that piece of cake!!

In other news there's only 5 days left until I leave for uni. I'm kinda excited and apprehensive at the same time. I'm excited because it means freedom and control but I'm kinda apprehensive because peoples first impression of me will be as the fat girl and as they say, you never get another chance to make a first impression. I'm just pretty gutted because I really didn't want to be that girl when I started uni! :(

Day one...again

Today's been a good day, food wise at least. I've managed to avoid all food, only having water and three cups of tea (No sugar.) Hopefully I'll be able to keep this up for another 13 days!

Yesterday I went down town and while I was there I got some passport photos taken that I needed for uni. I cant believe how bad they looked. Seriously. When I'm looking in the mirror at home, I can kind of convince myself I don't look as bad as I do. But when I saw myself in those photos, which is the exact way other people see me everyday, I realised just how bad I really look. I almost had a complete meltdown right there in the photo booth.'This can't really be me can it?' But it can and it was.

Instead of freaking out and getting depressed about it though, which I was very much inclined to do, I decided to use it as motivation and sort of a reminder of what I didn't want to be anymore. So when I got home I dug out an old notebook and stuck the picture on the first page. In big red letters I wrote down my weight and a string of unflattering words to describe myself. Then in the rest of the pages I stuck thinspo photos I'd cut out of magazines and wrote down quotes to keep me on track.

Now every time I get the urge to eat, I'm going to look at that notebook and remind myself of what I'm trying to achieve and just hope it's enough to put me off eating.

Why not pro ana...

So this is what was on my homepage when I logged on this morning:

Concerns Over Boom In Pro-Anorexia Websites

Urgent action is needed to tackle dangerous websites which encourage young girls to starve themselves, a group of top psychiatrists has warned.

The experts say the popularity of pro-anorexia sites has been buoyed by blogs and social networking groups.

Members of the sites compete with each other to lose weight and discuss ways of hiding anorexia or bulimia from parents and doctors.

They also share crash dieting techniques and recipes and post photos of dramatic weight loss.

Images of skinny celebs like Lindsay Lohan and Cheryl Cole appear as "thinspiration".

Disturbing pictures of suffering anorexics with concave stomachs and protruding bones are also praised.

Recovering anorexic Emma Columbine, 20, told Sky News she used to visit the websites every day.

She said: "When I was really desperate I'd go on all the time, looking for tips on the latest diet and wondering what to do next.

"And seeing photos of skinny celebrities - I just aspired to be like them."

The so-called "pro-ana" sites are not a new phenomenon.

But the Royal College of Psychiatrists' Eating Disorders Section says greater awareness is still needed of the dangers such groups pose to vulnerable young people.

At present, Government recommendations about keeping children safe online do not specifically address the websites.

Susan Ringwood from eating disorder charity BEAT says both the Government and parents need to know what is on the internet.

"We want to increase awareness about these websites and make sure people know the dangers," she told Sky News.

"And also to tell people that there are good positive resources out there for people with eating disorders that can help recovery, not encourage illness."

Some websites like Facebook actively weed out groups that promote eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia as a lifestyle choice.

But policing the web is a monumental task and not a role some sites feel comfortable playing.

Google spokesman Anthony House told Sky News Online: "It's the place of governments to create limits through law.

"Nobody wants to see private companies deciding the limits of free speech."

More then 8 million American's suffer from an eating disorder. Of those girls and boys that deal with this disorder they have created a way to escape from the hatred of it and the "you are unhealthy" aspects. Over 93% of the images the media promotes are of very thin women. Pro Ana is a movement of empowerment among females and males that have an eating disorder and do not want to recover. Yahoo and five or six other web site providers have banned Pro Ana sites because the providers have misunderstand what it is and what it is for.

Pro Ana is a supportive site on the disease anorexia.These sites use personal gained knowledge about how to maintain their weight and their lifestyle without dying for it. In a quote from Ana's Underground Grotto, "You may not already know the difference between us rexies and anorexics! If you want sympathy for your "disease" you are anorexic. If you want respect and admiration for your lifestyle of choice, you are a rexis...Anorexics die, Rexies don't." This is a very common feeling amongst the Pro Ana sites. Their choice is to maintain the lifestyle of starvation, but to use their own self control to maintain their life and health. There are numerous lists of vitamins and the amount of calories you have to eat a day in order to maintain life and health, what to do if your period stops or if your hair begins to fall out. The people of Pro Ana do not encourage other girl or boys to get an eating disorder. The Pro Anas are often asked questions like, "How do I become Anorexic?" and are often answered with harsh criticism and morality, such as the quote from My Ana, My Maker, My destroyer, "You don't f***ing get one! I curse the day I started on this path, but I can not get off, you don't want this, it'll kill you. You don't want one, this is not a diet. Be happy with who you are, never let anyone tell you otherwise."

The media is the first thing to turn on Pro Ana when the media is one of the main causes and contributor of it. The media is a very important part of child's socialization process and it represents the American Ideal. The American ideal is that women are tall, with long legs and high manufactured breasts and arms that are sleek with no baggage. Every women that you see on television is rated by the pounds. On America's most popular show, "American Idol" a girl was told by the manager "You need to lose a few pounds, you're chunky", this girl looked to be about 135 lbs in weight, not very heavy, but the message was sent. This message is delivered by all kinds of media and even toys, the most well known toy, both for her controversy and just her wealth is Barbie. Barbie is a representation of the American Ideal, she is 6'0 and has nice long legs, perfect bust and perfect sleek arms. The media shoves more and more of the perfection of women down the publics throat and then in return the public decides it has to be more "beautiful". Pro Ana has a thing called "Thinspiration", long pages full of the most popular people in society today, and various supermodels, the Pro Ana's use these pictures to remind themselves why they are not eating.

Pro Ana is a lifestyle choice which Pro Ana girls and boys have chosen and decided to follow. These websites do not encourage people to have this disorder and is only used as inspiration and as an out from all the grief they get during the day for being so. It is an escape for them to be with people who understand their thoughts and feelings and will help them encourage their lifestyle and maintain it. People are allowed to smoke cigarettes and there is a mandatory warning on each pack stating that it may cause cancer. There is a warning on each Pro Ana site stating that it may trigger the disease if the viewer is recovering from an eating disorder and that it is not for those who can not handle their choice of lifestyle. If people are allowed to smoke, drink, box and do other things that may harm themselves just as much or even worse than anorexia and the media and people allow commercials and websites that encourage such destructive behaviors and choices, why not Pro Ana?

Epic Failure...

Seriously. What is wrong with me? Why do I have so little self control? Why can't I just not eat? It pisses me off. I'm such a failure. I seriously cannot wait until I move into halls and no longer have a) Shit junk food in the house and b) People watching and questioning how much I eat.

So this is pretty much how my night turned out. I went to work as planned and didn't drink or eat anything my whole shift. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself thinking I was gonna head home and go to sleep, meaning my days calorie intake would have been 0. But did I do this? Did I fuck.

Fit work friend was like "J's having a party wanna come?" And I'm all like "No, It's ok I'm pretty tired, I'm just gonna go home." And hes like "Come on we haven't hung out in ages" and to cut a long story short I caved and ended up going. But I told myself I would just stay for a little bit and then leave. But did I do this? Did I fuck.

I ended up getting completely hammered and drinking way too fucking much. My nights alcohol intake looked something like this:

6 Shots
Half a bottle of white wine
2 Rum and cokes
3 Malibu's
Apple sourz
And some Jagermeister.

So I finally rolled home at like 3am but I was so wasted I couldn't get my keys in the door and I had to ring the doorbell. My foster mum was pretty pissed but I was too drunk to care. And when I'm drunk there's only one thing I wanna do - eat! I ended up eating a pepper and cheese quesadilla, 2 pieces of peanut butter on toast, 4 biscuits and a packet of crisps. I seriously don't know what possessed me to do it. I kept thinking I've fucked it up already with all the alcohol I might as well just give in. So I did and it was awful. I felt like complete shit afterward and pretty much just went to my room and passed out.

I didn't wake up today until 2:30pm and I was so hungover it wasn't even funny. My foster mum kept trying to make me eat. I was using the I'm too hungover for food excuse. But she was like "Food will make you feel better. You can't just not eat." I felt like screaming at her "Yes, I fucking can!!!" But being the eternal people pleaser that I am I once again caved. I ended up eating spinach and feta cannelloni and a fucking mars bar!

So now I feel all fat and disgusting thinking that the start of my fast has been a complete failure, which it has. God if I could have done it all over again I would have just gone straight home and skipped the party, but I can't so I guess I'm just gonna have to live with that. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully one that will be better than yesterday and today.

Day one...

I've decided to do a water fast for the next 12 days. The longest I've ever been able to fast before is 5 days. Well four and a half. So I'm looking to beat that this time. I figure I'll fast until freshers start and then switch to either a juice fast or a master cleanse depending on how much I've lost.

I've got a wicked caffeine addiction, so I'm not looking forward to the inevitable withdrawal symptoms. I can deal with the dizziness from lack of food but the headaches from lack of caffeine are a bitch.

So far I've had a liter of water and nothing else. I'm heading to work in a minute and I don't get back till ten so as long as I don't eat at work I can avoid food for the rest of the day. Or at least that's what I'm planning.

Fit work friend starts back at work tonight, which I'm kinda looking forward to because dude he's smoking hot. But I'm also kinda not because when ever we're together we always end up getting wasted and alcohol is not my friend.

A new dawn......

I've just turned 18 and....

I'm still not thin, I'm still not in control, I'm still not any of the things I said I would be by the time I started uni. I could make excuse after excuse to justify to myself why I haven't been able to reach my goal but they would all be lies and I am so sick of it.

So today is the start of a new dawn. In exactly ten days I move in to halls and start my new life at uni. No more eating whatever junk is lying around the house, no more people inquiring into why I haven't eaten today or people offering me food I don't wont. In ten days I start my journey towards the new me, in ten days my new life begins, in ten days I take control!

So in that vein I've decided to post my stats. Be warned they're not pretty and usually I would never tell anyone what I weigh. But in the interest of full disclosure and the fact that I know today is going to be the last time I ever weigh this much, I present them here for all to see.

CW - 210lbs
UGW - 112lbs

Date I want to achieve this by 31st December. That gives me exactly 108 days to lose 98lbs. Its a lot of pounds and not much time so to keep me on track I've decided to give myself mini-targets and rewards. They are as follows:

CW - 210lbs / 15th Sept /
GW1 - 196lbs /30th Sept /New Bag
GW2 - 182lbs /15th Oct / New Shoes
GW3 - 168lbs /30th Oct / New Skirt
GW4 - 154lbs /14th Nov/ New Top
GW5 - 140lbs /30th Nov/ New Trousers
GW6 - 126lbs /15th Dec / New Dress
UGW - 112lbs/30th Dec /

I know I've got a long way to go and a hard journey ahead, but this time I'm determined to succeed. No matter what..