Again! Seriously what is the matter with me? I always fuck everything up I'm such a god damn failure!! After my last post I didn't eat anything on weds and I weighed myself Thursday morning and I was down from 178.8 to 176.6. So I didn't eat anything Thursday and did a bit of exercise and when I stepped on the scales Friday morning it read... 176.6. Wtf!! So I plateaued. I fucking hate that. It feels like I do all this work for nothing. Like nothing I do will ever be good enough so what's the point in carrying on! So I thought fuck it and I ate. Afterwards I calculated my calories and I was pretty much disgusted with myself :
1 Falafel wrap - 406 1 Feta and rocket sandwich - 467 1 pack of McCoy's flamed grilled crisps - 258 1 pack of Nic Naks - 171 2 packs of Wotsits - 208 3 Cadburys chocolate fingers - 90
Total - 1600
1600 fucking calories!! Like holy crap that's so fucking much!! I stepped on the scales this morning, fully expecting to have put on a couple pounds and I was... 176.6! I'm glad I didn't put anything on but seeing that fucking number again made me wanna scream!! So I decided fuck it I'm gonna fast until Christmas Eve. I break up from uni on friday and all my housemates are going home. I don't leave until the 23rd so I wont have anywhere to be or anyone to see. I can just stay in my bed and waste away!!
So today was day one of the fast that shall hence forth be known as The Christmas time fast. I'm gonna post each days calories, exercise and my general failures and successes.
That I haven't posted in a while, I'm sorry that I couldn't stop binging and was too ashamed to face you all and I'm sorry that I pretty much all around suck!
Its been a month since I posted. God what is the matter with me its not like I have some interesting life to distract me. My life pretty much consists of get up, go to uni, come home, hang out with my flatmates, have a shower and go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. It's just when I'm doing shit or failing I'm too ashamed to blog. Which is crap. There's no point just showing the successes and not the failures. It makes my efforts look one sided and trust me my life is nothing like that.
In my last post I was in the middle of a fast, here's how that played out. I lasted the 14 days - I think my weight was around 180-181 . Then the next day I went to break my fast and yep you guessed it I binged. I binged like there was no tomorrow - Mcdonalds, crisps, crackers and all other manner of redundant stuff. For the next three weeks I pretty much got into a cycle of binge & fast, binge & fast. My weight bounced between 180 and 187 for ages. It was depressing and not entirely surprising. I'm an all or nothing girl. Either I don't eat food for ages or I can't stop stuffing it down my throat. There's no middle ground with me, no balance. I'm like a scale where if you put too much in one side it tips too far to the left but if you put too much in the other side it tips too far to the right and your always trying to find that balance. Take a little out of one side and put a little more in the other. But I always over do it. Hence why my weight fluctuates so much.
Last Friday I decided to fast and stick with it. I think my weight was 186.6. So I haven't eaten anything since then. This is day six. My weight this morning was 178.8. After day three I always find fasting pretty easy, it's just those first two or three day where I feel the urge to binge. Sometimes I give in to it, sometimes I don't. This time I didn't. I plan to fast until Sunday then break my fast on Monday. This time with healthy foods. Or so I hope!
Its midnight and I just got back from a Halloween party. I went as a devil. A fat, red devil. I looked awful. All the other girls were in skimpy costumes and I just looked like a big, fat round tomato!! There was so much alcohol and food there it was unbelievable. I stuck to water for the night and every time the sweets were passed around I took some and put them in my pocket. I don't think anyone noticed. At least, I hope they didn't. I told everyone I felt sick and I left early. They all thought it was because I ate too many sweets. Ha! If only they knew the truth. That I felt sick because I hadn't let any food pass my lips in eight days (Today was my eighth day of fasting)
I can't actually believe I've managed to abstain from food for 8 whole days. I can remember the first time I ever tried to fast, I barely lasted half a day! When I made it past the week mark I was pretty pleased with myself. I'd kinda like to last for a whole 30 days but I don't know if I will. At the moment I'm just thinking about making it to the 14 day mark, then I'll see if I can make it another 2 weeks. It should be pretty easy to make it to 14 days. I'll stay in tomorrow and I haven't got any food in the house so I won't be able to eat. Monday I've got uni all day and 0 money, so I wont be able to buy anything. Tuesday and Wednesday I've got off. I usually go down town with some friends on my day off so the temptation to eat will be greater but hopefully I'll be able to pull it off. Thursday I've got lectures all day so again it should be easy to not eat. Friday I've got off but It'll be day 14 and I doubt I'll feel the need to eat when I'm so close to my goal.
Thursday and Friday I hit a plateau. Every time I weighed myself I was 193.2lbs Which was just shit! But I weighed myself this morning and I'm 190.6. Hopefully when I weigh myself tomorrow I'll be in the 180's. So I lost 14.4lbs last week. Hopefully this week I can lose the same.
Just a quick post before I got to sleep. Day five of the fast has gone well, I've broken my personal best and I'm down to 195lbs. I've got lectures all day tomorrow until 6 so avoiding food should be easy. I haven't eaten anything today which is good but I feel like I want to throw up every 5 seconds. No headaches or dizziness yet but the nausea is pretty bad. I feel like If I throw up I'll feel better but there's nothing in my stomach so it'd be pretty pointless. I don't know do empty stomachs make you feel nauseous? Maybe I'm not drinking enough? I wish I could just not eat but still feel normal. I'm going to say something I've said before - It sucks we need food to survive!!!! Oh well I guess thats the price you pay for being thin.
One month. That's how long its been since I posted. It feels like so much longer. I can't tell you how much I've missed posting here and reading all your blogs. It took me ages to get the internet set up which is why I haven't posted in a while, but I have it in my room now so no more trekking all the way down to the computer pools.
So I've been at uni for a month and its been pretty mixed. My course is awesome as are my flatmates. I live with seven other people, 4 girls and 3 boys. All the girls are skinny which is just typical. One of them is super skinny but she never stops eating. I don't know how she does it. She eats so much crap but she never puts on a pound. I feel like I should hate her but I cant because she's really nice.
I just wish my eating habits were going as well. The first two nights I was here (a weekend) I got hammered both nights and ended up eating tons of crap. Then for the next week I fasted most days and on the days I did eat all I ate was a couple bowls of branflakes. I dropped 14 pounds that first week and I was down to 195lbs.
14 pounds in one week 'she must have dropped tons more by now' I hear you say. I wish. For the next three weeks all I did was get drunk all the time and binge. It was like I got caught up in the newness of uni, of the new places and the new people and I just completely forgot about fasting and ana and all the things I had promised myself.
Saturday morning was the first time I weighed myself in ages. I was back up to 205. I felt like shit, I couldn't believe I had let myself put on 10lbs. 10 fucking lbs!!! It gave me the wake up call I needed and I didn't eat anything on saturday, sunday or monday. I weighed myself this morning and I'm back down to 196.6lbs.
I haven't eaten anything today and hopefully I wont eat anything tomorrow which means I would have broken my personal best of 4 and a half days (Tomorrow will be my fifth day of fasting) So far I've been feeling pretty good no headaches or dizziness just a little bit of nausea. I just really hope I can keep this up. I feel so much better and in control when my stomach is empty. People always say they can't deal with hunger and feeling sick and empty, but I love that feeling. It makes me feel in control.
So today had been complete and utter shit. Suffice to say I fucked up and broke my fast. God I only lasted 3 and a half days! How pathetic is that. I can't go four days without having to stuff food in my mouth. Urghhhh I'm so annoyed with myself. I was doing so good but I had to fuck it up. I wasn't even hungry for christ sake. Why oh why did I have to eat!!!!!! The only good thing I can see that has come from this is that my family saw me eat so they wont bother me if I don't eat for the next two days. After that I'm moving into halls, which means no bingeable food in the house or for that matter any food in the house, so it should be easy to fast!
So this is how my day went. I woke up pretty early and went down town and picked up some bits and pieces I had put on order. I went to lunch with a friend and managed to only order an ice water. All was going good. I came home and started some of my packing. At about 3 I wandered into the kitchen. God, why did I do that? Nothing good can come from the kitchen. So I opened the fridge and that fucking fudge cake was staring at me. I dont know what possessed me to do it but I took the plate out of the fridge and got a fork. A voice inside my head was telling me 'Don't do it. You'll regret it as soon as you do. You always do." I knew it was right but I couldn't stop myself. I practically inhaled that piece of cake. Then magpie like I delved back into the fridge looking for more to eat. I came out with a twix. Ate that in about four bites. It was like my hands had a mind of their own, almost as if they had been temporarily disconnected from my brain. After that I searched for more. I wasn't even hungry anymore but I still didn't stop. I ripped open a packet of quorn fajita strips and ate them cold. I barely stopped to chew, just shoving them in my mouth one after the other. After that my stomach felt like it was about to explode and I couldn't eat anymore. I shoved the incriminating packets and wrappers into the bin and went to my room, disgusted with myself.
At dinner time I ate spinach and ricotta cannelloni. I thought I've already fucked it up today, I might as well eat dinner and stop people asking me why I wasn't eating. Afterwords I went online to calculate my calories for the day.
Piece of chocolate fudge cake - 142 Twix -284 Quorn fajita strips - 138 Spinach and ricotta cannelloni - 516 Total - 1080
Fuck. I can't believe I ate so many calories in one day! Plus 284 calories in one twix. WTF!!!! That's put me off ever eating a chocolate bar again. I never knew they had that many calories. That's like a whole fucking meals worth!!
I don't really know how to end this post, so let me just say thank you to everyone who has commented so far. It's nice to know I'm not alone :)
Day three of my fast and I have to say its gone pretty well. My total calories for the day is 0. Day three wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, a few stomach cramps but no headaches or dizziness. I think it's because I've been drinking more water than I usually do on a fast.
I spent the day pretty much just tidying my room and sorting out all my closet and draws and stuff. When I was sorting through my bags I found my ephedrine. There were only five pills left but it's so much easier to fast when I take them. I forgot I still had them to be honest, so it was a nice surprise. I also found my master cleanse book. I think I'm going to switch to that when I finish my fast. Which I will dammit!!
The longer I go without eating the more obsessed with food I become! Today I couldn't stop watching the cooking channel and whenever I craved food I looked at pictures of it online. It's like food is all I can think about! I wish I could just forget food exists, I hate that we need food to live. If I could just survive on air and water I would!
So it's day two of my fast and my calorie intake for the day is 0. No food only water. I've been feeling quite nauseous today, like I want to throw up but obviously there's nothing in my stomach, so it's left me feeling a bit shit. No headaches or dizziness yet which is good, but I know for me day three is always the hardest. I get really bad hunger cravings and it's usually when the dizziness hits, so I'm not looking forward to that.
I was so tempted to eat a piece of chocolate fudge cake earlier. Whenever there's food in the house that I haven't had before or haven't had in a while, I always sort of feel like this will be the last time I'll be able to have it, like I'm missing out if I don't eat it. But today I kept telling myself that there would always be another piece of cake, another Oreo, another pizza or whatever and that I didn't need or want to eat it. I was able to resist which I was quite proud of because I really wanted that piece of cake!!
In other news there's only 5 days left until I leave for uni. I'm kinda excited and apprehensive at the same time. I'm excited because it means freedom and control but I'm kinda apprehensive because peoples first impression of me will be as the fat girl and as they say, you never get another chance to make a first impression. I'm just pretty gutted because I really didn't want to be that girl when I started uni! :(
Today's been a good day, food wise at least. I've managed to avoid all food, only having water and three cups of tea (No sugar.) Hopefully I'll be able to keep this up for another 13 days!
Yesterday I went down town and while I was there I got some passport photos taken that I needed for uni. I cant believe how bad they looked. Seriously. When I'm looking in the mirror at home, I can kind of convince myself I don't look as bad as I do. But when I saw myself in those photos, which is the exact way other people see me everyday, I realised just how bad I really look. I almost had a complete meltdown right there in the photo booth.'This can't really be me can it?' But it can and it was.
Instead of freaking out and getting depressed about it though, which I was very much inclined to do, I decided to use it as motivation and sort of a reminder of what I didn't want to be anymore. So when I got home I dug out an old notebook and stuck the picture on the first page. In big red letters I wrote down my weight and a string of unflattering words to describe myself. Then in the rest of the pages I stuck thinspo photos I'd cut out of magazines and wrote down quotes to keep me on track.
Now every time I get the urge to eat, I'm going to look at that notebook and remind myself of what I'm trying to achieve and just hope it's enough to put me off eating.